Dear Tournament Director:
I am writing to request a sponsor's exemption into your 2008 tournament. I am an accomplished golfer and my records speak for themselves.
In 2007, I played in eight LPGA tournaments for a total of 21 rounds. I quit in two of them for dubious reasons, but as ever helpful, I have pro-rated my scores for those two rounds to give you a more complete picture. So here it is:
My stroke average in those 21 rounds was 77.38. I shot 79 or worse in 10 of them, and failed to break 80 six times. In the seven tournaments where there were 36-hole cuts, I missed the cut three times and quit two more. I did manage to finish 84th (last) and tied for 69th (3rd from last) in the two events that I made the cut. If you looked at the leaderboard from the bottom, my year went like this: WD-1-WD-T3-CUT-CUT-CUT-2. Outstanding!
In the Ginn Tribute hosted by I Don't Have to Apologize to Annika, I quit after 16 holes after piling up a 78. I would've shot 88 or worse, thus causing me to be banned from the LPGA for the rest of the year, and I would've been last in the field, behind 15-year-old MacKinzie Kline.
I did it again at the U.S. Women's Open. For fear of finishing behind 12-year-old Alexis Thompson, I withdrew after shooting a 42 on my first nine in the second round. I was not going to make the cut anyway after an 82 on the first day.
Of the 41 LPGA tournaments I entered, I won zero, including 0-for-17 as a pro. Because of my ability to dominate the women's tour, I was invited to play in a number of men's events. I have played in 13 of them and made one cut, in Korea, for an Asian Tour tournament. And I'm 0-for-7 in PGA Tour events.
In my last five events against men, I quit (after 27 holes and 10 shots out of the cut); finished dead last (13 over the cut); dead last (14 over cut); last among pros and second from last (17 over cut); and 3rd from last (14 over cut). If you flipped the leaderboard upside down again, it looked like this: WD-1-1-2-T3. No wonder people think I'm the second coming of Tiger Woods!
In my last 35 rounds, I broke par twice. In my last 11 events, I made two cuts. I have not broken 70 in a year and a half; and my best rounds in 2007 were a pair of one-under 71s.
In my long and distinguished career, I did win one national tournament -- the 2003 U.S. Women's Public Links Championship. Since then, I have won nothing, zilch, nada, zippo, goose egg.
And now I have turned 18. Other girls my age have won a major (Morgan Pressel), rookie of the year (Angela Park) and multiple tournaments (Paula Creamer). But I'm the one who has a $10 million endorsement deal with Nike and Sony. Never mind that my 2007 earnings of $23,024 would've placed me 141st on the LPGA money list.
So how about it? How could you possibly turn me down? I've fired five caddies and two agents have left me over the last two years. And I don't really like to fraternize with the people who pay big money to play in the Pro-Am. And of course, I have no intention of ever trying to earn anything, let along going through Q-school to get my LPGA card.
Not if suckers like you keep giving me exemptions.